Quote from: bossanover on March 20, , PM. I don't think my ex has "unattached" from any of her exes. BPDs need a list of potential caregivers that they can sort through and test each person on the list one by one until one is duped.
A list of exes is the perfect thing to have for them. If one says no, try and suck the next one on the list back in Both of you are right on the money with that I need to look up how to quote here I never thought of that, and it sums it up really well. When one dupe has had enough, they go to the next one on the list It feels so good to be off that list! This part confuses me cause mine just stopped talking to me.
No words at all. It's been two months now. Do some pretend you never existed? Quote from: Glef on March 25, , PM. Not one peep from my ex in over 6 months. I don't think she will ever try to contact me but who knows. I do know that a week before I left she asked me if I would still see her in the future even if I remarried.
I told her "Hell no"! What kind of messed up question is that? I'm not sure if I would laugh hysterically or cry hysterically. I hope you were able to at least laugh This is a thread I needed to read.
My dBPDh has been stalking me this week. We are separated and he went way off the edge here, unfriended me on FB, took of his wedding ring, all a bunch of childish crap. He said he didn't want to watch the children while it helped me, so he hasn't had the kids. So he drove by our house last night, the kids were outside and he told them that he was just looking to see if we were home. Then today he showed up while my son was practicing, which makes no sense because he never could talk to him.
He just came to bother me. He wants me to meet him for marital therapy but I am sure that it is just so he can have access to me. I am not interested in him trying to manipulate the marital therapist, who totally has his number anyway. Quote from: Take2 on March 25, , PM. I think they do miss us though they deal with in a dysfunctional, unhealthy way.
But then I suppose not all of us deal with it brilliantly either Since I separated 18 months I pretty much closed the door. Last May I unfriended and blocked my ex on FB. In October I got a couple of calls from her office which I didn't take. A few days before my birthday in November I got a text which I ignored. I had a bad period over Christmas and New Year when I felt very vulnerable and lost and for the first time since we separated I rang her mobile.
Fortunately it went to voicemail and I didn't leave a message. Within a couple of days I was self aware enough to recognise how pointless and destructive it would be to renew contact. It was a lucky escape for both of us but when you feel frightened and lonely it's easy to reach out for all the wrong reasons.
On the weekend I got a strange FB request from a young girl who I don't know but who works with her company. I deleted it. I think a lot of people in all kinds of relationships struggle to let go of exes.
It's not just BPDs or us. A lot of people use FB, twitter and google to snoop on exes I know it's unhealthy but I've done it.
It's something we all have to work on. Offline Gender: What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner Posts: I think BPDs cope differently, some fight you and some try to erase you. Since I rejected my ex's ultimatum she went NC with me and blocked me from every single possible medium. Numbers, email addresses, facebook she had two accounts, blocked me from both. Since she was suicidal and in the hospital the last time we spoke I was incredibly worried.
In fact, when she didn't show up for clinical supervision clinical grad students I was SO worried that I drove up 5 hours north to try and see her. When I got there I had to email her from my husband's account and she simply said "I'm done. She knew that shutting me out was the worst possible "punishment" she could bestow on me. So for some, once you have rejected them and they decide to detach Not only that, but they get off on your desperation and worry as you try repeatedly to contact them.
Before she blocked me on facebook, I saw that she was reading message after message I sent her. But didn't block me right away. She wanted to read it all. Wanted to see me wanting her, hurting. I have no idea if she stalks me via other accounts or media since now I have her blocked. She stalked the crap out of her last girlfriend who left and cut HER off without a word.
I guess she really wanted to make sure that SHE was the one who walked away this time. Had to have the upper hand. Even started texting my husband from her google number he was the one who had told me she'd let that slip How can you ignore me like this?
I suppose if I were to give her the benefit of the doubt, there is also a very slim chance that she genuinely believes I am better off without her or am sacrificing too much to be with her.
But even so Encouraging the NC, etc. So, lots of factors that might play into whether or not you have a stalker or an eraser. Despite me being NC for a year now, my ex still contacts me every 3 weeks by email. I do find it disturbing but also quite comical. It ranges from her being nice to being really nasty and because I haven't responded to anything, she has now turned her attentions to the rest of my family.
In the past month I have had: A nasty email asking me to stop getting people to stalk her and that if I want to ask her something, to just ask.
This came about because 3 people from my company have been on her LinkedIn profile. I work for one of the 5 largest companies in the world and the 3 people she mentions are all in her country. Likewise, I have no idea who they are. Reading between the lines she is wanting attention. Just before that, there was her tearful phonecall to my mother, pleading with her not to hang up the phone.
She wanted to know why nobody had contacted her to see how she was. My mother gave her a few home truths and asked her never to contact her again. That lasted about a week. My mother, myself and my sister all got an email because she had seen a major incident on the news and wanted one of us to let her know we were ok because she was concerned. The incident was 10 miles from where my sister lives but she knows I travel abroad to visit her and could possibly be there.
Again, reading between the lines, she just wanted attention and to test the water. On advice of my T, I have passed all emails and phone logs onto a lawyer. Not going to press charges right now because it would only give her the attention she wants. Instead, it's being documented legally and when lawyer believes it's getting out of hand, then we look at stage 2.
I do have the bonus of being in another country, over miles away otherwise I do believe she would just turn up on my doorstep. She has done it before so I wouldn't put it past her but I have moved since she did that 3 years ago. Offline Gender: What is your sexual orientation: Straight Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner Relationship status: Married Posts: I would imagine each BPD to be different.
For me, I confirm stalking. Room tampered with, pages in my journal copied, odometer reset, emails, computer and phone checked there are things he is aware of that I have only shared in texts to private people , personal items at work I have my own business and he comes around taken.
I have been followed, questioned with the motive to trap me I wish I could say that was speculation, but the method and sometimes the conviction, for example "you said that you went at 5 but I was there and I didn't see you I am sometimes worried about posting here and being "revealed". But then I remember it's about truth, and we are only as sick as our secrets.
Please be thoughtful if you comment. Before everyone vomits and calls the cops, let me offer a few reasons why BPD men might stalk and obsess. To be clear, these are not cop-outs for poor behavior. Instead, it is just the way in which BPD males think and justify their actions. No one really wants to stalk another person. Sometimes, though, emotions and clouded thinking get in the way of better judgment and bring out the worst in otherwise decent people.
All stalking behavior emanates from some form of rejection. That aside, I — and many other men — sometimes feel powerless over our own sexual desires. When I was in college, for example, I was surrounded by many beautiful girls. Of course, I wanted to start a relationship and have sex with them. Unfortunately, either because I lack the social skills, physical appearance, or confidence necessary to seduce ANY girl at will, these sexual desires turned into sexual frustrations.
Some men like me feel helpless to satisfy our own basic needs. What then do we do with these feelings? Or, do we bottle them up and obsess over the woman, somehow hoping that things will turnaround and go our way? If you have BPD, chances are you bottle them up and get even more frustrated with each subsequent perceived rejection. Of course, this sounds all very narcissistic. Walking around thinking that you have the right to sleep with any girl you see is a selfish thought.
At the same time, it can make many men feel desperate because they will never feel sexually gratified. Sexual rejection hurts as much as social rejection. He followed her from hotel to hotel, using cameras and spy equipment hoping to catch her naked. Unfortunately for Andrews, he actually succeeded. Then, when this guy was caught and revealed to the rest of the world, it was clear to me, at least, why he did these disturbing acts. His looks, lifestyle, personal connections, or social status precluded him from meeting her.
Essentially, he was using extreme means to gratify his need to have some sort of sexual encounter with a very attractive woman, which part of him knew would almost never happen. This turns normal guys into stalkers who will break the law, ignore common decency, and even risk losing everything they worked for in order to feel accepted and satisfied.
Have I ever felt sexually rejected? How did it make me feel? Hopeless and desperate. That realization is very damaging to the male ego, and probably produces many cases of infidelity in marriages.
All this means that BPD men have to find an emotional mechanism that lets them get past lust and into a more healthy, realistic state of mind. I want to feel powerful in a powerless situation. Rape, stalking or any other behavior that ignores the other persons desires is never ok. Therapy is needed when these desires show up. Only men who are not emotionally healthy do that. Men with options not only have a life, but they can understand social cues and know how to deal with rejection.
How about channeling those feelings of frustration into an effort to improve yourself? Start a regular workout plan, enroll in classes to advance your career, read and learn new things to improve your mind. Also, how about realizing that women are people too instead of seeing us as status symbols, sex objects, or numbers on a ratings scale? Be an interesting, well-rounded person who wants to contribute something to make the world better in this life.
Think about what you can offer to and do for others, instead of just focusing on what you want. Real happiness comes from finding and working to advance a worthy cause, not from self-gratification.
Guys with an attitude of selfish entitlement, who see us as targets instead of people and only think about what they can get from us, are a major turn-off. As you can probably guess, the name that I put is not my real name. I was actually online searching for reasons why a guy in his 40s much older than me who I used to be friendly with decided to follow me wherever I went and come by my house.
A few of my close friends have given me some reasons but nothing close to what your page has to offer. I know many will probably disagree with me, but I am grateful you wrote this because it helped me figure out my dilemma. So thanks, your article has been of great help to me. Let me comment. I had a man follow me for a year or two and in reality, all he did was hurt ME. He made ME feel rejected, stupid and unwanted, like I was just some silly game to him.
I never understood his motive. He never Called even though I pursued him multiple times at drunk parties. So after the one night stand I was done. Instead, he never called, never asked me on a date, never delivered flowers.
I now understand his motives and really I thank you for this blog. I just needed to understand it really. I wanted to feel powerful in his sitation that made me helpless.
He had rejected ME by never calling, remember? So the problem is, the borderline thing could all be in your head. You are not rejected. Does this help? The whole thing was fucking crazy! We should have just gotten our kicks out of each other, dated, done the deed a million times that summer, then moved on, got rejected by each other and got over it, whatever, etc.
Stalking is wrong…. Jade made the most intelligent comment, Jake the most idiotic and reactionary. Women arent objects, we are human beings. Hey, you said you yourself, are unattractive!! So look in a mirror before passing judgment on whether this woman or that is a 9 or a 10! Are YOU? And why is that the only criteria for being with a woman? Get a life! Realize that women arent here to cater to men, nor vice-versa. No wonder guys like that are unattractive…nothing to do with looks, its the entitled narcissistic mentality that is a turn-off, as Jade states….
My blog was an attempt to explain a potential psychological motivation behind the behavior. I in no way, shape, or form condone it. Stalking is indeed dangerous behavior, and it should not be treated as a bad emotional reaction from a jilted lover.
Stalking requires some degree of premeditation, planning, and execution. Therefore, it is a step way beyond feeling rejected: it is feeling rejected, then wanting to get even. THAT is the problematic thinking. Hi all Seems to me just another example of men using excuses to act like creeps.
Society even gives men the reason to do so, and then goes easy on them when they do. On a more serious note, I have had very extreme stalking situations and not just by men, it was women too.
My ex ex invited that bullshit into my life and I still came out on top. The end. This blog is the biggest crock of shit I have ever read. Feeling that you cant sleep with a bikini model boo hoo has nothing to do with borderline.
I can guarrantee you the stalker you mentioned was also harrassing his fiance, accussing her of having affairs and striping away all sense of self esteem she had left so he could stalk with out question.
If your so hung up and sleeping with a 9 or 10 I suggest you talk about it with your therapist and do some growing up. This is the type of crap I expect to hear from sexually immature people, that have given themselves an excuse to cover for their lack of maturity. Girls, they arent stalking you because your unattainable sorry to burst the ego bubble They are stalking you because they have mental health issues and by trying to make you feel proud of being stalked through a little ego boost is just another tactic of manipulation from the BPD.
I fully agree with you Croc,pure logic without emotional mist it helps one to see and extract the motive behind. Your existence is nothing personal to stalker,To him is all about self-reflection and you are just court in his perverse fantasy. Find out what motivets him and burst his bubble. Consider yourselves lucky to be without and just imagine what would your life be like in relationship with someone so screwed up.
Thanks so much for your infinite wisdom croc and alice. Knowing the difference between obsession,hatred,sickness and love is also not very difficult for most of us too. And than, he want border you any more. Maybe a sense of balance with your attributes as working on your physical appearance and valueing other strengths. It seems like your attracted to impress others rather than thinking what can be healthy for you. Nothing wrong with wanting to feel an attraction.
Is it only looks? Do you want anything more than superficial? Thanks for your comment. I realize it sounds very superficial, as if sexual attraction is all that matters. I say that because stalking — in absence of having or previously having a relationship — is purely superficial.
The stalker is stalking an idea of someone, not the reality of who they are. Yes, they might be pretty or handsome. The stalker has no understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior.
I liked this sentence:. Your point about valuing other strengths is important. There is certainly more to getting and keeping a relationship than looks although people overly focus on it. Intelligence, character, dependability, empathy, insight, unique interests, etc all make relationships worthwhile in the long run.
I wrote that post many years ago. Then, it was a reflection on myself when I was much younger. Reading your comments it pose a question to me; is it sexual rejection more arosing to you then a supposed accomplishment of having sex with the person you chase and if not would you lose interest in that object of desire once you attained it?
Pls unlighted me… I have a stalker who seems to chose any opportunity to hurt me stalking me lately with his wife occasionally while other times he behaviours he is deeply emotional, border line in love with me, which only leaves me angry and confused.
Since ignorance seems to turn him on, I have adapted new approach of indifference which will hopefully make him lose an interest in me There is an element of fear in it, the longevity and the intrusion, the unpredictability that is wors then the stalking itsself, hence where my anger comes from.
My original thesis was simplistic: beautiful looking people date other beautiful looking people. Cynically, she might only do it if he has money. Your first question is brilliant. I think the goal is to be with other person, regardless. It makes people feel powerless and unworthy.
It means no matter how smart, cool or talented you are, your attractions are limited by physical appearance. Beyond getting into great shape, coloring gray hair, and getting plastic surgery for minor flaws, not much can be done about this. Stalking is a way of regaining control of the uncontrollable. It is an incorrect reaction to reality.
So yes, imagination is much better. Beauty gets the beast. I would be happy it worked out! Let me be clear: Your stalker is playing a dangerous game. He is not only hurting you, but has recruited his wife to help. That level of obsession goes beyond my adolescent fantasy.
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